Insults

The following is a list of acceptable insults to be used within the Empire.  By no means is this a complete list.  Enjoy.

• You are like a platypus: proof that God has a sense of humor.
• You are like celery: you are only good if you’re smothered in peanut butter and even then, you still only eat the peanut butter.
• You are so dumb, you think that martial arts are paintings by the sheriff.
• Your face can shrivel a man like a 3 hour bath.
• What is that on you head? A hair-ball from a mountain lion?
• I'd get more pleasure from running my nostrils down a cactus, than being with you.
• You have the shape of a stocking filled with dung.
• You are as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread.
• You have less backbone than a chocolate eclair.
• Your face looks as if you were weaned on a pickle.
• You do not understand women as you have never successfully depicted one.
• You have about as much class as a lawn flamingo.
• The eyes are the window to the mind and your eyes look like the holes in a privy.
• I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.
• If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose.
• One night spent with you and men volunteer to become eunuchs.
• You know, I do understand you. I have a way with dumb animals.
• The only time you ever got to second base was at the petting zoo.
• You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.
• You are so dumb, you think "getting lucky" is finding a penny on the ground.
• Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.
• If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor operation.
• Is that your nose or did you inhale a cantaloupe?
• You are so dumb, you think a blood vessel is some kind of ship.
• You are so dumb, you think manual labor is the president of Mexico.
• Stagnant pond scum licker
• Maggot muncher
• Odiferous octopus ooze
• Pompous proliferator of putrid puns
• You perplex me--usually someone with your limited physical appeal makes up for it with a REAL personality.
• Waiting for you to say something intelligent is like putting a candle in the window for Jimmy Hoffa.
• If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
• Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.
• You appear to be the culmination of years of major genetic mishaps.
• You have been fooled more times than a public welfare worker.
• Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity.
• When they made you, they broke the mold---and beat the mold maker.
• You are so dumb, when told that it's chilly outside, you get a bowl.
• Your mother is so fat that the back of her neck looks like a package of sausages.
• I have heard that you have 2 brains! Unfortunately, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• You were so ugly as a child, your mother breast fed you through a straw.
• You're so dumb, your fingers and toes are numbered.
• You're so dumb, the only thing you got on your IQ test was drool.
• I hear you're a farmer's daughter and that you can't keep your calves together.
• I hear you're a cabinetmaker's daughter and everyone knows what's in your drawers.
• I hear you're a gravedigger's daughter and you'll lie under any sod.
• I would have been your father, but the sheep beat me upstairs.
• You are so dumb, you got a job climbing trees because you wanted to be a branch manager.
• Your mother is like a carpenter's dream...flat as a board and easy to nail.
• You are so ugly, that in 20 countries it is illegal for you to marry.
• Your mother is so fat, when she went to the zoo, elephants threw her peanuts.
• Your mother is not really so bad. I hear she would give you the hair off her back.
• Your mother is so fat, when she took her clothes to be laundered, they said, "Sorry, we don't do tents."
• You're so dumb, you'd have to dig for your IQ.
• Your mother is so fat that she sweats bacon grease.
• Your mother is twice the man you are.
• You are so dumb, you couldn't pour water out of your boots if the instructions were written on the heel.
• You're so dumb, you think bigotry is an Italian tree.
• Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.
• You're so dumb, you think a naval academy is a school for belly-dancers.
• Your father is so dumb, he has to take his clothes off to count to 21 and even then he only gets to 20-1/2.
• You're so ugly, that when you went to the zoo, a baboon blew in your ear.
• You're so stupid that if I gave you a penny for your intelligence, I'd get change back.
• I heard they had to burn down the school to get you out of the 3rd grade.
• If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
• Your mother is so fat, she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand.
• Your girlfriend tells me that your lovemaking is like going to the dentist...sit back, relax...you won't feel a thing!
• I was going to give you a present but I know not how to wrap a bath tub.
• I've heard your body has been compared to prime real estate...the problem is how many times has it been rented out.
• I've heard your body has been compared to prime real estate except the rent is real cheap.
• I've heard your body has been compared to prime real estate but tenants keep moving in and out.
• It's unfortunate about your gambling problem.  I heard last week that you lost you whole paycheck playing solitaire!
• I heard your family was so poor, that if you weren't a girl there wouldn't have been anything to play with at all.
• You had to convert from being a Jew because when it came time for circumcision, the Rabbi kept missing.
• I tried to do an impression of you yesterday, but I just couldn't get my head that far up my ass.  And by ass I mean donkey.
• When you go sunbathing, the natives come running out, bowing, and throw virgins into your navel praying for another year of mercy.
• Your mother is so fat, when she goes to Sea World, Shamu gets a hard-on.
• Your mother's so fat, when she farts, they post hurricane warnings.
• Your mom's butt is so big it looks like two pigs fighting over a milk-dud.
• Your mother is so fat her blood type is "peanut butter."
• I don't mean to say that your mother is loose, but every so often we hear from between her legs the sound of seven little voices singing, 'hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go'.
• When Red Lobster has an all you can eat crab special, all your mom has to do is uncross her legs.
• I had sex with your mom yesterday, but I didn't have to pay because my punch-card was full.
• You're so stupid, you thought the English Channel is something you get with cable.
• You remind me of a worm. Even after drinking a whole bottle of Tequila, the guy still has to decide if he wants to eat you.
• I heard you failed taxidermy school. You had the wrong impression of how to stuff a large mouth bass
• When you were born, your mother looked at the umbilical cord and said, 'oh, look, it comes with cable.
• I was going to make a pitcher of kool-aid, but I was afraid your mother would come crashing through the wall yelling 'oh, yeah!
• Does that bother you at night when the bed bugs have turf wars with your crabs?
• I would have been your father, but the guy ahead of me in line had correct change.
• Sex with you is like opening a bank account.  You make a deposit, you make a withdrawal, and lose interest.
• If you were a buffet at a casino, no one would eat you! 
• If you were a bowl of fried rice at an asian family reunion, no one would eat you!
• If you were a loaf of bread at the Last Supper, no one would eat you!
• You're so dumb, you think asphalt is a rectal problem!
• You're so stupid, you think that Pokémon is Jamaican gay porn!
• At your sister's last gynecological exam, they finally figured out in which quadrant of space Voyager has been lost in for years!
• I'm glad that your mother finally got her navel pierced so that she finally has a place to hang the air freshener!
• I was going to say something about you sleeping with sheep, but no one would believe that a sheep would sleep with you!
• What was it that you called a sheep up against an electric fence? Oh yeah, a vibrator!
• I was trying to decide what to get a person like you who has everything, then it hit me.  Antibiotics!
• You think cremation is playing hard to get.
• For you, foreplay is simply unzipping the body bag.
• You think that "grave reservations" simply means being first in line to defile the corpse.
• Didn't you think it was odd when your last three dates all asked the same thing in bed:  Daddy, are you sure this is right?
• You remind me of Kmart. All boys jeans 1/2 off.
• I hear you've finally stopped eating Brownies. It seems you've moved on to the Boy Scouts.
• You're just jealous that she has a higher sperm count than you do.
• Your wife's favorite thing about sex is that she finally has time to finish the grocery list.
• I heard you lost your job at the sheep farm; it seems just too many of them started looking like you.
• Do you know what he calls that useless piece of skin on the end of his penis?  Mom.
• You're the only man I know who goes to the sperm bank to make a withdrawal.
• You, Sir, are depriving a village of an idiot.
• This coming from a man who as recently discovered his love of small woodland animal; seems those are the only cheeks he can fill.
• You could screw a Cheerio without breaking it.
• In an attempt to regain his masculinity, he renamed his part to "Sasquatch".  Kinda fitting, actually.  Most have never seen it, and those who have aren't really sure it was even there.
• You're the only man I know who's been known for molesting his inner child.
• The difference between you and a bowling ball is that you can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
• He displays all the signs of a lonely man:  A calloused hand; well muscled wrist; and he's with you.
• You'll have to excuse her.  She's been a bit touchy since they took away her "Fondle Me Elmo" doll.
• The difference between you and an easy chair is that one is big and squishy and always has a hairy fat guy in it. The other is a chair.
• I hear you finally landed a role in a major motion picture. It must be great to be known as hooker #1!
• You're so ugly, I bet you think this insult is about you!
• What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.
• I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
• There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
• You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
• You are are the poster child of why men need viagra.
• Your are the poster child for the use of birth control.
• Your eyes are the color of a thousand years of biological waste.
• You are proof that natural selection doesn't always work.
• Everything about you rapes the senses.
• If I stand close enough to you, I can hear the ocean.